How I fell in love with her and then a little with him

What about our innermost desires? What about your deepest fears? You do live with them. They are a part of you. Do they speak to you as they speak to me? Do you play with them as they play with me? Do you listen to them as they listen to me?

Roadhouse Blues

I was driving down to a friend’s place that day. I do not like driving as much as I like the spectacle. On empty wide roads, I like it though, especially in this part of the town – all green. I never worry about hitting anyone or having an accident on these roads except the occasional animal. But they are fast, faster than the occasional human.

Ah keep your eyes on the road,
Your hands upon the wheel.
Keep your eyes on the road
Your hands upon the wheel.

That day I parked, where I always park, in the corner of the garage courtyard. The garage in this place is exceptionally huge. I have never seen another garage with a courtyard or a courtyard with a garage and a cafe. You pass three houses before you can sit down and have a coffee.

The third house belongs to the woman of dresses.

She was wearing a yellow dress that day. Her black hair worn open along her slender back. She smiled at me and I felt my heart cave. Kiss me, I thought.

Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
They’ve got some bungalows.
Yeah, the back of the roadhouse,
They’ve got some bungalows.

After we were done with the coffee, she came down and sat at our table. Her dress was as bright as the sun. I could see her in her house out of that dress on the porch having a cup of coffee. I could also see myself sketching her on that porch against the sunset. She would keep her cup aside and walk towards me, hold my hand and touch my face, plant a soft kiss and I would sigh. I could see that.

I could see her in her yellow dress, bright as the sun, walking with him, holding his hand. I heard her laugh at his silly jokes as we walked on the grey road towards my car. Fate has a mean way to be cruel. She said something and then in the middle of a thought she stopped – your car, she turned to me, it is in the air, the tires are gone.

They dance for the people
Who like to go down slow.

I know little why the garage owner thought it best to get rid of my car. I was visibly sad, it was my only car. So she took me back to her house and made me some tea. It was just me and her and her yellow dress.

But that was a long time ago, a very long time ago.

It is New Years’ eve and I am in my balcony, thinking of her. He is with me now and I know he has liked me, liked me long before he could make her laugh. I could never bring myself to think of him in the way that I often thought of her. I have liked him, he does make me laugh and he can follow my thoughts and not be lost. But while I am often alone with her in her house bathing in her beauty I am never so with him, never alone with him, not even in my head.

He takes my hand at the stroke of the midnight. I feel the breeze in my long hair, his lips on my lips and his hands on my waist. We kiss, a deep kiss, which feeds on itself with every turn of our heads.

Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, baby, roll.
Let it roll, all night long.

I am on the road again but I am not driving. I am rich now, I am very rich now and though I have hired this person, I am in the front, sitting next to him. There is a lot of dust in the air. These roads are not like those roads from the green part of that town where she once lived.

In an effort to break the monotony of my thoughts the driver mutters something. I am still thinking about her out of her yellow dress as I see him take one hand off the wheel and try and wipe the dust off the shield. Men and their little stunts, I laugh dryly.

He is taking some time doing that, one does what I can do to amuse oneself in the emptiness. I play with her in my head and he is playing with the dust on the shield. I can see him and I can see her and I know he cannot, he is too amused by his manner to see her.

Do it, Robby, do it!
You gotta roll, roll, roll.

He wished he had seen her as I hear him scream. I want to tell him to stop, I really wanted to stop and help her, see if she was alive. Instead I tell him to speed up. I look back and see her and her broken leg become smaller.

Ashen-Lady.
Ashen-Lady.
You gotta roll, roll, roll.
You gotta roll, roll, roll.

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From Perfection in Black and White
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Author: pecsbowen

reader.philosopher.writer

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